On a slightly different note

I am a smoker. I love to smoke cigarettes. they are delicious. they help to calm the nerves and take the edge off an otherwise stress filled day. I know that there are a lot of people out there that feel cigs should be banned out right. i think they are full of crap. they are sticking their noses where they don't belong. Smoking cigarettes is a personal choice. who has the right to tell me that i can't put certain chemicals in my body. it's my body. this argument can be carried over to the drug debate but i don't wish to go there with this post. that issue could, and has, taken up a lot of space out there and i think we are all on, more or less, the same page. 

what i want to say is that i smoke and i like smoking. and i am quite confident in the fact that by the time i need new lungs the technology will exist to grow me some new lungs in a jar. i will probably need stem cells and i just happen to know of a few choice corners in the city of minneapolis habitated by strung out crack whores that will gestate my offspring until that time when the stem cells are the ripest for harvesting. 

yes, that's right, i am suggesting that i set up baby ranches to feed my ever increasing need for fresh stem cells so that i may live for ever, or a close approximation to it. i think it is a sound plan. 

an establishment of the preliminary rules of engagement

So, it has been brought to my attention that some clarification needs to be made regarding the terms of battle that exist between me and the universe. 

 the rules are arbitrary. 

there are no set of things that one can do or can not do. its the frickin universe we're talking about here. the universe made the rules a long time ago, and by proxy granted me with self awareness and self determination. i get to interpret the rules as they apply to me and me alone. these rules will not work for any one else out there. you all have your own battles to fight with the universe. 

it could be something as small as getting a paper cut (universe: 1) or scoring 90% on an exam (jade: 1) the rules are subject to my interpretation. As a loose guideline the terms of engagement are as follows: when i set my self to a task the varying degrees to which i accomplish my task are what are considered for points earned. for example: monday night i was delivering pizzas. at one point in the night i managed to get stuck behind some one who was driving 15 mph down lyndale ave. subsequently we hit every single red light between 49th st. and 24th st. turning what should have been a 10 minute drive into a 35 minute ordeal. that gains the universe 2 points for the slow driver and the obscene amount of red lights i had to stop at. however, i made a lot more money than i was expecting that night. Jade: 1 point. 

the factors that are out of my own personal control are what the universe needs to win this battle. but the very fact that i am now aware of this battle slightly tips the scales in my favor. i can try to anticipate how the universe is going to fuck with me and take actions to counter it. 

that is all i can say about this issue at this point. 

the tally now stands at Jade: 3 Universe: 3. yes its a tie. there would have been points given, but there was some studying that didn't get done, and a conversation that needed to be had was had. so it is a push. 

i'll talk to you all tomorrow, for now the robot needs rest.

-Jade

Jade versus The Universe: Day 2

Today I am starting a blog. I have heard that it greatly increases your chances of getting hired in today's competitive world of publishing and editing. Personally I have stayed away from blogs. not because I have anything against them, they just never interested me. the thing is, now i feel like I have something to say. And that something is: 

Fuck you Universe! Yeah you, that infinitely huge expanse of space that contains all matter and exerts its force upon everything, that seems to be standing every and nowhere at the same time. just who the fuck hell do you think you are? I see the way you're eye-balling me and I don't care for it. Think you're so big! Think you're so god-damned tough. Well fuck you and the horse you rode in on. By the way, I had sex with your wife. That's right bitch, I'm calling you out. I am officially declaring a war on your entropic ass! Fatty! Huh? What's that? I couldn't hear you over the vast emptiness of space. Fuck off, quite looking at me like that! What are you, gay? 

I bet you all must think that I must be a little crazy to call the universe out like that but guess what it deserves it. It has been getting its way since the dawn of time man. Thats ridiculous. I just want a fair shake, a chance to get what's mine. Thats all. Now that i know that The Universe is out to get me i will be watching for it. You hear me Universe? Huh? That's right, I'm watching you. I got my eye on you. You see this here tattoo, with the eyes on the back of the head... yeah, watch your back bitch.

Just to make sure we understand one another, the score has been set to zero starting now. you gave me a hell of a run for my money on Monday, Universe, and I almost gave up. But I have an indomitable will and strength of fortitude. I will crush you like this aluminum tin can of beer, after I have drunk the beer. 

Now to all the readers out there. now that i know that the universe is out to get me i can take measures in one-up-mans-ship and make sure that I come out ahead. I'm like a stalking Puma, chasing down a sick and defenseless old ass gazelle. I will be posting updates on the Epic Battle between Jade and The Universe, so please stay tuned. 

-Jade